Free Martha

By Judith Bakkensen

I was very upset when the corporate kings, legislative lords, and judicial johns turned on Martha.  At a deep emotional level it hurt and frightened me.  Why must every successful businesswoman be such a target for the white men of America.  The lawyers I’ve checked with say it’s because she is an icon for women of success that caused her to be charged in the first place.

I swear I am of the majority of the women I know who have only watched two or three shows and didn’t enjoy it that much.  However, I was happy for her success and appreciated her can-do attitude.

Since Martha has been muffled, muzzled, locked up and closed down by those meanies of America, I have begun a hysterical home decorating scheme.  I’ve been making gourmet soups and am planning a tiered garden.  I’ve started saying, “This is a good thing,” about everything.  Never have I spent so much money on upholstery fabrics and decorator paint.  I’ve become a Mini-Martha.

This obsession began as soon as the bad men led Martha to the dungeon.  As she began her descent, Mini-Martha possessed me

Oh, why have they taken Martha away?  Was she too rich?  What she too successful?  Or was it discontent?  I know thousands of men secretly watched Martha in their offices and subscribed to Martha Living magazine in their wives’ names.  And what about those so-called superbowl games at their guy-friend’s houses.  The men sat in darkened rooms and watched Martha be everything their perfect woman should be.  Filled with frustration, they went home to their normal disarray and dust and thought, ‘I want Martha, I need Martha’.  However, Martha did not want or need them.  Has she ever mentioned doing her deeds for any man?  They chanted under their breath to their wives and girlfriends, “Be Martha, Be Martha."   This male confusion may have fueled her downfall.

Now those sad guys are reduced to watching reruns and Martha is gone.  They hold their head and chant, I'll never have Martha, I'll never have her."  Now, perhaps they will drop their discontent and be more satisfied with their lives, wives, and lovers

But what about the women?  All over America and in Europe and Japan, are women becoming Mini-Marthas like me?  I’m so exhausted from the stenciling and pillow making, I have become irritable.   My husband is worried that I’m not my loving, easy-going self.  I would be myself, but housework is never done and I’m possessed by Mini-Martha.